Those previously mentioned ways in which a person was securely met by his/her/their close relations act as the working model for how that same person then goes on relating and seeking intimacy throughout their lifespan. Herein lies for instance:

• The expectations that other people will be interested in having contact with you.
• The confidence in knowing that you – by simply being yourself – have intrinsic value, which most likely is going to be appreciated by others, too.
• The expectations that people in general are going to respect your personal boundaries the best they can.   

Being securely attached typically makes it a whole lot easier to feel at ease with oneself; allowing those less or more difficult feelings to arise when they do, and to reach out for support when things get further complicated.

If you are securely attached, intimacy and closeness often feel nice in a relationship; you tend to like being in physical proximity of your partner, and most of the time it feels safe to share one’s thoughts, feelings, and just general insecurities and vulnerability, as you trust the person to be understanding.

On the other hand, many insecurely attached individuals tend to feel nervous about showing their partner just how much they like him or her or they, as lifelong issues regarding dependency may be triggered.

As children, the insecurely attached individuals among us were likely to have had their approval seeking behaviours rejected, and as neither comfort nor nourishing parental contact were elicited to really fill the needs of the child, he/she/they naturally internalised the experiences as some sort of ‘born with deficit’ within themselves. To put it in other words, they felt they were rejected because they did not deserve the love and affection that they so much longed for.

And then forms a thought: I am not of value, or I am not of such a value that anyone should or could care for me, really.

As an insecurely attached individual, shame and anxiety is typically triggered quite easily by even just the slightest rejection from ones’ partner, even many years later.

If, on the other hand, you, as a child, grew up to become more securely attached, then feelings of rejection only rarely go as deep as to shake one’s very sense of human worth. On the contrary, rejections are more viewed as integral and thus unavoidable parts of life: maybe the other person was just pre-occupied with her/his/their own thoughts, feelings, insecurities, needs, and/or some random obligations? No matter what, some things you can control, and other things you can’t; rejection, for instance, you can’t always control.

In a mature, nurturing relationship the couple should be able to live together in ways that make room, both for closeness, and separation; for collectivism, and individualism; we/us being together, and the I/me doing my own things. In a mostly securely attached couple, the relationship between them is not dominated by separation anxiety, nor doubts as to whether one partner loves the other more.

In this respect, recent research into attachment theory shows some very promising findings; namely, that if just one of the partners within a relationship is securely attached from his/her/their upbringing, then the other partner – simply by mirroring or modelling that calmness – may in fact learn to become more securely attached to themselves.  

In time. With effort.

In other words: There is help available. Of course, there is.

Whether we are talking about a friendship, an intimate romantic relationship or a solely professional therapeutic relationship, the vulnerable person will be capable of healing when they feel heard and accepted in a similar manner as to which he/she/they so longed for as a child and growing up.

Lastly, it is important to mention that all of us, simply by being individual human beings, naturally tend to fall in between the categories, meaning that no one is only always securely attached; neither is one only always insecurely attached. People are complicated, multi-faceted creatures, and factors such as self-esteem tend to affect us from context to context. Whether we are well rested, nourished, and meaningfully stimulated in our daily lives are also great examples of factors that tend to affect the ways in which we skilfully, and intimately relate to one another.     

Reading these texts does not necessarily equal the same two experiences for different people; each of us will most likely identify with certain parts of the content over others.

As a client (or, as a coming client), you certainly should not worry too much about whether your issues or trauma are “heavy” enough to be taken seriously by a therapist.

At least, that’s my professional opinion.

Whether you’re looking for acute guidance and intervention, or rather to prevent your struggles from getting worse, I will argue – nevertheless – that by investing in your mental health, you’re making one of the smartest decisions of your life. Of course, I wouldn’t have become a clinical psychologist if I thought otherwise.